Sinking again..

I’m sinking again.. I’m sorry to disappoint everyone that has been supporting me throughout these few weeks.. I thought i was alright.. i thought i could be strong and let go.. i thought i could start moving on.. But… i really cant..

Val, TH, Pat, Lydia, Uncle Jon, Pam, Jean, Serene, Hwee, XB and the rest.. I’m sorry to disappoint u all.. All the walls i’ve erected around me have suddenly come tumbling down again.. I cant be strong, i cant stop thinking of him, i feel so lonely and empty even though I know all of u love me.. Even when im out supposedly having fun, i feel the emptiness and hollow in me. And it just keeps getting worse.. I cant seem to pull myself out of this no matter how hard i try.

I keep entertaining hopes.. Hopes that will not be fulfilled.. Keep telling myself over and over again, this situation would not change. But I cant help having the hope that one day, one fine day.. when he’s done with his studies and has a career, he will start to miss me and come back. I keep searching for the answer. Even though the answer is there, right before my eyes, i refuse to believe it and keep trying to find the answer that i want. End up, feeling depressed when i dont get the answer that i want.

I just cant let everything that we had go to nothing.. i thought we could stay friends, but i still cant stand the thought of him going out with her, cant bear the thought that someone else would soon take my place in his heart, take my place in his family, his house, his room.. i start getting clingy and all, and i know he’s getting impatient. he’s going to start hating me soon if i keep this up. i know.. but the thought of knowing that he’ll not love me as he used to, care for me as he used to, made it even more unbearable..

I yearn for his physical presence, to be able to feel his strong arms around me, to stroke my hair and tell me everything is ok.. To give me a reassuring kiss that he’ll always be here for me like before.. i just hate myself for being so weak, caving in and giving up on my heart vs brain battle.. i always let my feelings get the better of me, i get emotional and stop making sense.. even to the extent of trying to put myself into trouble just to test if he still cares..

yes, u say im stupid.. im not being logical.. i just cant help it.. just cant..

the strong and confident wanjing is not here anymore. in her place, its the weepy, crying, weak, desperate, clingy, hopeless girl. one who keep searching and looking for ways or people to validate her existence, that she deserves to be loved the way she needs and wants. keep hoping that he will one day come back and say he had regretted his previous decision..

there is not one day that i do not think of him. it’s been almost 2 weeks, i tried being strong for 1 week+.. but i cant pretend anymore. its very tiring.. at times, i can talk freely about him without crying, sometimes i feel angry at him and want to hate him, when i see/hear/remember things in our past, the sweet days together, everything that he had said, our promises to one another, i just crumble.. into tiny tiny crumbs.. my heart just gets cut, crushed, pounded and turn into nothing but specks of dust.

i feel so exhausted, i dowan to try anymore, but now my brain refuses to give up.. my heart is non existent anymore, but the hollow and emptiness still hurts.. it just hurts to bad, i dont know how to overcome the pain. tears keep coming, they refuse to go away..

Darling, i really miss u.. and i’ll always love you..